Is your relationship toxic?
What would you do if you picked up a bite to eat and the food wrapper was labeled toxic? Would you eat it? Of course not. You know that toxic means something is poisonous to your bodies and can hurt you. Unfortunately, toxic relationships don’t come clearly labeled like this fictitious sandwich wrapper, but usually, there are plenty of warning signs alerting you that something is wrong.
What would you do if you picked up a bite to eat and the food wrapper was labeled toxic? Would you eat it? Of course not.
You know that toxic means something is poisonous to your bodies and can hurt you. Unfortunately, toxic relationships don’t come clearly labeled like this fictitious sandwich wrapper, but usually, there are plenty of warning signs alerting you that something is wrong.
Toxic relationships are relationships that are poisonous to our bodies, sometimes physically and sometimes psychologically, but either way can seriously hurt our self-esteem, our self-worth, and our overall sense of self in the world. Toxic relationships take many forms. What might first jump to mind is an abusive relationship in which someone physically or verbally hurts another person, but that may be just the tip of the iceberg. Toxic relationships are any relationship in which one person routinely makes the other person feel insecure, unhappy, fearful, or drained, or causes damage to their self-esteem, is controlling, dominating, or abusive.
Toxic relationships are not a one-time occurrence caused by a temporary loss of temper or good judgment. They are a repeated negative pattern of behavior, and they can happen between parents and children, siblings, friends, co-workers, business partners, spouses, or significant others.
15 Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship
1. You feel drained. Rather than feeling happy, energized, and cared for when you are with this person, you feel tired, depressed, worried, or anxious.
2. You are constantly on edge. You feel like you are ‘walking on eggshells’ around this person. You are never quite sure what might set them off, so you avoid speaking about specific topics or doing certain activities (like going out with friends) to maintain the peace.
3. You are always fighting. There is constant anger or hostility when you are with this person.
4. You avoid saying what you need to because there’s no point. You may be worried it will cause an outburst or that they will stonewall you and refuse to speak to you, but either way, you know trying to communicate with them won’t result in any progress.
5. You are the only one putting in any effort. They don’t remember events that are important to you, dates that are important to you, dreams, and goals that are important to you. They are entirely wrapped up in themselves and their wants and needs. They are unreliable and make promises that they rarely keep.
6. You are not allowed to have an opinion, or say ‘no’. They are controlling, and it’s their way or the highway. After all, everyone else but them is an idiot. They always know what is best.
7. You are always wrong, in public and in private. It’s bad enough to be continuously berated in private, but even in public, this person enjoys putting you down and making sure others know that you are wrong, and they are right. If you question the behavior, they might respond, “Jeez, can’t you take a joke?”
8. You are constantly judged. Why are you wearing that outfit? What did you do? Why did you go there? Are you going to eat that? Why did you say that? You are criticized and belittled for everything you do.
9. You feel constantly one-upped. Something good happened to you. Rather than being proud and congratulating you, this person must tell you why they are better. Something bad happened to you. They won’t empathize with you; instead, they’ll make sure you know how much harder they have it.
10. You don’t trust yourself anymore. Everything you do is wrong. You are too sensitive, too emotional, too irrational, too stupid, too selfish. Why do you feel like this? Because the other person in your life is continually telling you negative things about yourself or mocking you.
11. You aren’t allowed to have any privacy any more. This person is possessive of you and jealous of your relationships with other people. He or she wants you all to themselves and is always keeping tabs on your whereabouts, your phone calls, your text messages, or your emails.
12. Your friends and family are expressing concern. Love is blind, and sometimes it’s others in our lives who see the warning signs before we do. If multiple people are coming to you expressing similar concerns, you need to listen to them.
13. You feel guilty. You constantly find yourself making excuses for this other person, and you feel like if only you had done this or that better, then they wouldn’t be angry, hurt, jealous, or whatever.
14. You feel trapped. You know things aren’t going well, but you don’t feel like there is any way out. Much like victims of ‘Stockholm syndrome‘, you identify with the other person in some ways and worry that leaving them will lead to their downturn and, possibly, suicide, drug use, homelessness, etc.
15. You feel abused. Abuse isn’t always a beating and it doesn’t always leave a bruise. Abuse may involve being forced to do things you aren’t comfortable with or that make you feel ashamed, such as sexual activities, participating in dangerous behaviors such as substance abuse or reckless driving, or being deprived of necessities such as food, shelter, or financial support.
What should you do if you think you might be in a toxic relationship?
If you suspect your relationship is no longer healthy, it’s important to get help. Your family and friends, especially those who knew you before you started this relationship, may offer a great perspective on how this new relationship has changed you. Speaking with a counselor or therapist is another excellent resource. Not all toxic relationships are doomed to fail, but if the toxic behavior doesn’t stop with time and assistance, you must be willing to walk away. “Out of the Fog” by Dana Morningstar is a great book to help you navigate your way through (and out of) the toxic patterns of your relationships. Another (shorter) read that is helpful for individuals struggling with recovery after a toxic relationship is “Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship” by Adelyn Burch Counseling is a great way to regain your sense of self-within-relationship. A counselor can help you gain perspective on the compromises and sacrifices you made in order to make the relationship ‘go’ and re-frame your feelings as normal results of a relationship that’s been totally confusing, sometimes dangerous, and often unpredictable. At Acadia Counseling, we can help you make sense of your relationship, help you decide what (if anything) you want to change in your relationship, and even assist with navigation about whether to stay or go. You don’t have to face this alone. Please schedule an appointment today; you are worth it.
Blog written by counselor Denise Hutchins, LPCC-S of Acadia Counseling in Louisville, KY
Denise earned her Master’s degree at the University of Kentucky in May, 2000. She has worked in the field for nearly 20 years, accumulating experience with families, children, couples, and adults. She is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and holds an additional credential to provide clinical supervision services for beginning counselors. She specializes in work with adults and couples currently; she provides expert care to those with mood issues and aftereffects of traumatic events. Follow on instagram, facebook and twitter.
The mental health and wellness professionals that practice out of b.mindful Louisville are skilled in what they do. Each specializing in their own area and caring for their clients in their own unique way.
If you need help finding the best human helper to meet your specific needs, email us for one-on-one assistance.
*The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Navigating Romantic Relationships With A Mental Health Diagnosis
Relationships are complicated. Mental health issues are complex. Put the two together, and things can get real, really quick. Since we are nearing Valentine's Day, let's talk about juggling dating and romance--while navigating your own mental health.
Relationships are complicated. Mental health issues are complex. Put the two together, and things can get real, really quick. Since we are nearing Valentine's Day, let's talk about juggling dating and romance--while navigating your own mental health.
Mental Health Issues Make Dating More Stressful
Dating is stressful for everyone. Having jitters before a first date, or wondering when to text is nerve-racking. For those who suffer with depression and anxiety, you might go into over-thinking mode, wondering if you screwed up, or feeling like you're not good enough. Mental health conditions can turn the volume of dating stress up to 10. Having an arsenal of effective coping tools is key. Finding relaxation and grounding techniques that work for you can help offset anxiety that is worsened by putting yourself out there.
Deciding If You're Ready to Date
Struggling with mental health issues is no small feat. It can be a daily struggle. Adding intimacy and a relationship to this can sometimes be very difficult. If you're wondering if you're ready to date or start a relationship, a good place to check in with yourself would be your reason for dating. Understand that beginning a relationship will not "fix" the problems that you are struggling with. Mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or trauma have deeper issues, and although intimate connections with others temporarily lift the emotions of these disorders, the underlying causes remain. Managing your condition takes time and effort, and while partners and loved ones are often supportive, the work is yours and yours alone.
Understanding What You Have to Offer
When I talk with my clients about their desire to date, they are sometimes worried about what they have to offer in a new relationship. Focus on the qualities that are important to you in relationships, and ways that you can strengthen those values within yourself.
Knowing Your Boundaries
Boundaries are important in all relationships. Before jumping into the dating world, take time to consider your boundaries. Do you need alone time more frequently that your potential partner does? Are you ready for sex? Do you need to clarify your communication style, or your communication needs? Can you be more clear about commitment and what you want? Often, when we are eager to connect with others, we let our boundaries slide. Boundaries are what keep relationships healthy. They protect us and our relationships. Understand your boundaries and be ready to communicate them upfront and early on.
When to Share Your Diagnosis
Many people experience reluctance about sharing their diagnosis with others, particularly with a potential dating partner. There are lots of reasons for this--the stigma surrounding mental health issues, fear of turning off the other person, or fear of the other person misunderstanding what all the diagnosis means. If you're dating and thinking of committing to a relationship, it's important to share information with your partner. This information will be key to your partner's understanding if you're having an episode, and will also help them to know what you need from them in these moments. However, you don't have to lay it all out on the first date. Wait until you see if you're compatible with this person, and if they are someone that you trust before sharing.
How to Share Your Diagnosis
It's best to choose a time when you are not in an acute episode--when you can think and express yourself most clearly, and are generally stable. Let your partner know that you have something you want to share with them that will help them understand you more. Be prepared to answer their questions, if you feel comfortable, and perhaps bring some books or links to websites that you feel are informative about your diagnosis. Give your partner time to digest this information. Learning that someone you care about is struggling with their mental health is difficult. They may need time to process.
Beware of Unhealthy Patterns
Understand that mental health issues are a completely separate thing from patterns of abuse in relationships. Having a mental illness is not an excuse for abusive behavior. This article by the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers key points in understanding the difference.
Know Your Worth
Above all, know that you are worthy of a partner who is understanding and accepting of your struggles. Remember that you deserve a healthy relationship, regardless of the status of your mental health.
Written by Kayla Renteria, LPCC - mental health counselor with Renteria Counseling in Louisville, KY
I work with children, adolescents, and adults with a variety of presenting concerns. Many of my clients come to me with concerns related to anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and past trauma. My experience as a therapist has provided me the opportunity to work alongside clients from many different walks of life. My philosophy on treatment is to empower my clients through a trusting relationship, compassion for their situation, understanding that they are doing the best they can with what they have, and a good measure of humor to keep things real. I specialize in treating trauma, depression, and anxiety.
I am also trained in EMDR, a highly effective and efficient treatment modality for trauma and mood disorders. I know how uncomfortable it can be to address painful moments in the past and present. I am honored to walk alongside my clients as we work to heal the past and move forward in a healthy way.
My educational and professional experiences have provided me with the expertise to guide you, utilizing evidence-based treatment principles and an unwavering sense of compassion. I would love the opportunity to talk with you about how I can help you. When you're ready, give me a call or use this link to schedule “.
The mental health and wellness professionals that practice out of b.mindful Louisville are skilled in what they do. Each specializing in their own area and caring for their clients in their own unique way.
If you need help finding the best human helper to meet your specific needs, email us for one-on-one assistance.
*The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.